i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
