omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
