just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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