True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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