Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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