"it" just moved
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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