Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
