Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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