My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
