we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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