So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
