Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
