u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Im part way to drunk.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
