Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
