I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
