Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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