census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
