do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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