he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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