Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
