I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
