Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
