Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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