Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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