How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
