worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
