I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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