She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
