DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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