you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
