Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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