Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
