The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
