Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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