guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
