happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
