the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
