I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
