Betty ford says i'm here all night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
