I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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