he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
