took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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