Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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