You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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