Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
