There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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