drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
