Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
