Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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