When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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