Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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