I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
